Gazing into the Abyss - or am I?

Sometimes we can feel like a child teetering on the precipice of the unknown -- and we panic. But, maybe, if we really stop to think and 'feel', not all the things we consider bad have come to harm or challenge us.

This is not the first time I've been faced with a major crossroads, or the 'abyss', but somehow this time round I'm living it differently.

I'm potentially in real trouble: if I can't get a lodger to rent my room by the end of the month, I may well have to leave my relatively new home (I've been here just over a year), with all the tribulations that come with a major upheaval. They say, "You're only a pay cheque away...." and right now, that's me in a nutshell -- no, make that half a pay cheque! Despite all my hard work, good intentions, meditations and visualisations, I'm in the proverbial dung heap and yet I'm feeling a strangely comforting sense of surrender.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised the image in my mind's eye wasn't one of looking into an abyss at all, I was standing over a white line suspended in space, with one foot on either side.

Initially, my brain interpreted all this as looking into an abyss, but I immediately asked myself: "Am I?". I'm not afraid of facing the depths anymore, doing the inner work, and yet the idea that my monkey-brain was telling me that I was faced with an endless pit of complete darkness didn't sit right with me. Don't get me wrong, we need both the light and the dark, we need that ‘balance’, the Yin and Yang (even better when we let them flow as one), but it was the wrong comparison, the wrong image. It felt old, out-of-place, as if my mind was trying to Photoshop an old image of myself over a new one. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised the image in my mind's eye wasn't one of looking into an abyss at all, I was standing over a white line suspended in space, with one foot on either side. I had detoured from 'the middle way', 'the path', and needed to check in with myself. I am at a crossroads, simply deciding which course to take before I get back on the white [light] path that stretches infinitely across the darkness towards the known and unknown.

Yes, I now have big decisions to make, I must take an enormous leap of faith, but maybe this situation is not as terrible as it seems.

I won't deny that I've cried and fretted, because this is the first home I feel I can call my own since I left home at sixteen, and quite frankly the idea of having to pack up my things and move again after so many upheavals in my life - some wanted but many not - makes me feel tired and so very resigned. I now also have the added yet joyous responsibility of a dog, and it’s my duty to make sure he is happy too.

Yep, just when I thought I'd finally found a small haven of peace, a little corner of 'Sarah-heaven', it feels although it's slipping from my grasp again... [Or is it?] But I don't want to indulge the negative monkey-brain chatter, so I keep asking myself: "What is the Universe trying to tell me?, What am I being guided to do?".

What's the worst thing that can possibly happen to me if I completely let go?

Then another thought came to me: "I trust in the Universe, in Spirit, in Oneness -- too many things have happened in my life to doubt it anymore. What's the worst thing that can possibly happen to me if I completely let go, surrender to circumstance and let events unfold and take me...?". Do you know what happened? I suddenly felt lighter.

Yes, in the worst case scenario, my dog and I might end up homeless, but I probably won't end up on the street: friends have offered to help, I can get support. Who knows, what could potentially be seen as disaster could open me up to a better situation with less worry and stress, maybe somewhere cheaper to live that's easier to manage. It could lead to new friendships and opportunities. My heart that felt almost smothered by a grey, daunting fog suddenly began to lift again.

Maybe, in the entangelments of everyday life, I've forgotten what my call actually sounds like...

All being well someone will rent the room, but at the same time I'm asking myself "Is that really what my soul needs or even wants? Deep down, I'm a free spirit - always have been. I feel the call of my soul, but maybe I still don't trust enough? Maybe I've forgotten where I'm supposed to be and who I really am? Maybe, in the entanglements of everyday life, I've forgotten what my call actually sounds like -- life can do that to you. Maybe we're supposed to stray from the path a while so we can search within our souls and find the courage to climb back on the road to light again...

This feeling is so drastic, I'm even contemplating selling and ridding myself of most of my belongings to make the transition easier. Maybe I need this shock to my system, maybe I need this reshuffle, this launch into the unknown -- after all, we cannot truly know everything... Let's ditch the need for control, for it is a form of fear that can make us cling relentlessly to old ways and thought patterns, denying us the chance to meet and befriend our inner selves again; to find the courage to fully flower, embrace and follow our true destinies.

"Not all bad things come to harm us"

As I contemplate all this, a beautiful Italian saying just came to mind: "Non tutto il male viene per nuocere", basically translated it means: "Not all bad things come to harm us", so I'll hold this motto in my heart and mind as I feel, stumble and glide my way through this moment of dark and light.

At the end of the day, there is no map to guide you other than your heart. The important thing is to keep it open.